Pretend Like the Abuse Never Happened

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For the last five years of my life; after I first told my parents about how I was sexually, mentally, and emotionally abused by my brothers so many years ago, my family has just pretended like nothing ever happened. We gathered together for birthdays and holidays. I always put on a front and pretended that I was happy to be there, with my abusers’. Boy, was that a lie.

         I remember so many times in my adult life that I would cry myself to sleep. I think that at the time I would relate it to something bad that was happening in my life. I never thought that what happened to me as a child could still be affecting me. I honestly thought that once the abuse ended that I would be fine mentally. 

        I’m sure if I had gotten help when I was a child and been able to get all my thoughts and feelings out, I would have turned out differently. Too bad my family didn’t believe in getting help…. But, I didn’t have the courage to say anything about what happened to me back then anyways. I feel like my brothers’ ruined everything for me in some ways because I lost all self confidence in myself and suffer from depression and suffer from multiple other symptoms. But, like my counselor told me, “those are symptoms and they can be fixed.” 

         I just wish that I could have gotten all the symptoms fixed sooner because I feel like the symptoms of what happened to me as a child have held me back. Maybe I could have performed better in college and maybe  I could have reached my ultimate career goal that is now out of reach. But, I guess I wouldn’t be who I am today if the circumstances were any different….

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