So today was counseling after work. I was excited to get back to it because I didn’t have an appointment last week and so many events have happened since my last appointment that I was anxious to discuss. I am glad that I found such an amazing counselor that has had her own experience with childhood sexual abuse.
The topic of the day was what type of relationship to have with my mom and my dad. I expressed only two valid options:
1. Continue to not be able to vocalize what I think and feel 2. Completely cut the relationship off- to have no contact whatsoever with my parents’.
It may be easy for some people to see that there is another option which would consist of a compromise. I couldn’t see that because my thought process is messed up because of my brothers’ sexually abusing me when I was younger. The option my counselor suggested was that I can have a relationship with my parents’ and be able to express to them what and how I feel. This is much easier said than done.
My counselor also told me something that I never really thought about. She said that whatever it is that I am looking for from my parents’ I may never get. This made me wonder… What am I looking for from my parents’ that I am not receiving? I want to say that I am simply looking for their acceptance. I want them to accept me for who I am. To me, that is not asking too much.
I want to have a relationship with my parents’ and show them that I am good enough, maybe not for them but for myself. And, maybe my parents’ do love my brothers’ more than me because I didn’t keep on the ‘right track’ that they presumed was the right way of living. But that’s okay, I have God on my side and their love doesn’t even compare to the love that God has for me!