I had to work this weekend and I was mad about it. Everything was irritating to me because of this. I am trying to get past my childhood sexual abuse effects and I had to miss the two things that I think are very helpful to me, which is S.I.A. meetings and church, all because I had to work. After work, I wanted to come home and not talk and just be left alone. Sometimes with a family that is difficult to accomplish though.
I feel like my husband had a snide remark about every little thing; I couldn’t say anything without a smart-aleck comment. This set me over the edge and I started yelling at him to stop because after saying that I just wanted to be left alone for 10 times I would think that he would get the hint. I feel like after asking someone to stop and they don’t get the hint I guess I feel like yelling what I want them to do will get my point across…. Obviously not though.
I feel like this is the same type of rage that I had because I kept my childhood sexual abuse bottled up for so long. It makes me disappointed in myself that I yell about some things but when someone doesn’t listen to what I am trying to tell them first of all they are not respecting my boundaries and secondly it brings back memories linked to the sexual abuse because my brothers’ didn’t listen to me when I told them that I didn’t want to do something that they wanted.
I feel like everything from the way I act to the way I think sometimes is related to what happened to me as a child by my brothers’. It is so irritating though because that’s not me; I don’t like having to yell but, I simply want to be heard…. I guess that’s why I just want to be left alone from time to time because I expect that people aren’t going to truly listen to what I have to say therefore, I’d rather just keep my thoughts all to myself… Just like when I told my parent’s what my brothers’ forced me to do and they did nothing; that reflected to me that they didn’t hear nor comprehend what I had to say. After so many years of no one caring what I have to say, I take it as, what I have to say isn’t important and no one does care…. That hurts to have to even write but it is simply the truth.