Everywhere I Go, Hurt Follows

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How is it that even though I am constantly surrounded by people I feel so alone?

On a regular basis I wake up and go to work and try to pretend that I am so happy to be there. And, maybe one reason why I try to act that way is because I’m not being emotionally abused there. I find myself constantly listening to negativity and that seems to simply add to all the complications that I already have in my life. I still have what my parents’ instilled in me. 

My parents’ taught me that you should put everyone before yourself; that couldn’t be more wrong. No one is going to protect you besides yourself. People who weren’t brought up thinking the same way are simply going to take advantage of someone, like me, who puts everyone before themselves. I know, because it happens to me. For some reason I can’t always seem to see it when it’s occurring.

I realize that you have no control over what people say or do but, how do you protect yourself when people you love intentionally try to hurt you? Sometimes I can detect that this is happening but I have no idea on how to fix the problem. Or am I the problem? I feel that I am the recurring component and therefore, it must be me…

I feel like the reason why I get so consumed in things is because I try to avoid thinking about all the hurtful things that have happened in my life. There are so many lousy things that have happened in my life that I just constantly want to cry if I don’t get my mind off those dreadful thoughts. I don’t know who I should be mad at most for my life being the way it is. It’s obvious to me; I should be mad at myself for ultimately making the decisions I have in my life and allowing myself to constantly be abused in multiple aspects of my life, even to this day. But, I should also be mad at some people for taking advantage of me, including my brothers’.

I need to learn how to handle this rage. I have not yet figured out how to release it besides crying, which helps but it’s just not enough…. I want to scream at the top of my lungs. I do know that I cannot keep it bottled up or I am going to explode and take this anger out on the wrong person.

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