Today at S.I.A. the question that we discussed was ‘Who or what has controlled you in the past making it difficult for you to have a relationship with a loving Higher Power?’ For me, I was controlled by a multitude of things.
In my youth, I went to church every Sunday and Wednesday night with my family but, because the church didn’t have any programs for children I was just expected to learn what the adults were learning. For a child, I think that is too complex to comprehend and understand. It should be put in a way that a child can understand. Therefore, at a young age I wasn’t really sure what I was being taught about at church. Because the General Assembly and Church of the First Born is a ‘faith based’ church you only hear about what the men ‘feel’ like preaching about. There was no ministry school involved. To me, it was a personal viewpoint. You can take words and twist it into something it’s not. I feel like this happened at this church.The handful of things discussed at said church is in one of my previous blogs located at the following link: General Assembly and Church of the Firstborn main teachings. This is one way that I was controlled. It was a sort of brainwashing that if you didn’t do the ‘right’ things, which were the things the men preached about, then you weren’t going to receive Gods love. The thing that I was unaware of until I was about 17 was that some of these men that were preaching were sexually abusing their own children. The sad thing is, is that apparently the adults in the church knew about the abuse and didn’t do anything about it. Why did my parents not leave this church when they found out about this?!? I know I wouldn’t knowingly be around people that could potentially hurt my child.
As a child and still to this day, I feel like my opinion doesn’t matter to my parents’. They are set in their ways and I was supposed to follow said ways. There were things that I wanted to do as a child but never got to do because my parents had other things set for me to do. What I wanted didn’t matter to them. This was another way that I feel that I was controlled. My parents were not going to go to any other church. I couldn’t even voice my opinion to them about how I felt about the church. I do know now that I don’t need their approval, I am my own person and get to make my own decisions.
When my brothers’ started abusing me, they were controlling me. Telling me not to tell anyone what they were forcing me to do. I guess I always thought the authoritative figure always had the right ‘teaching’. That they wouldn’t make me do anything that was bad. They took advantage of me. They pretended that they loved me and used that against me.
I have been manipulated in all aspects of my life. I feel odd when I’m not being controlled because I have been a puppet my entire life and just did what I was told. It’s hard to re-learn what I should have learned as a child. It almost feels like I am trying to teach my daughter and myself the right ways all at the same time. But I now realize that my family of origin did not and does not care about me. My parents’ didn’t protect me and my brothers’ used and abused me.
All this is inter-related. Basically, I never thought that God loved me while I was attending the General Assembly and Church of the Firstborn because I wasn’t following what they preached about. And because my family somehow had me thinking that authority figures ‘won’t steer you in the wrong direction’ I truly thought that God didn’t love me and I couldn’t have a relationship with Him because my parents’ brought me to this church and this is what they are preaching about so I must be a bad person.