I Become Mute

cantspeakspeechlessmum-mutedumb

     Today was our Christmas celebration with my mom and dad. Before meeting with them I was prepared to inform them of how I felt about my brothers’ abusing me, along with asking them some questions about my upbringing, and about their knowledge of abuse in the General Assembly and Church of the Firstborn. I realize that this probably wasn’t the best time to do this but it turns out that I couldn’t bring it up anyways.

       I feel like the only thing that my parents focused on was my daughter. My mom even asked me about my co-workers but never once did either of my parents ask how I was doing…. I guess this was sort of the ‘icing on the cake’ that made me realize that my parents’ aren’t going to change and they don’t want to talk about my brothers’ abusing me or how it makes me feel that my brothers did abuse me. Why would they care how I feel about the abuse, they don’t even care how I am in general. 

    This was truly hurtful to me that they didn’t care to ask about me. I am beginning to get angry with my parents because I feel like I don’t even matter to them. Yet, I am more angry at myself because I somehow still ‘don’t want to hurt other peoples feelings’ and couldn’t just tell my parents what I have on my mind. Things went through my mind to say and it’s like my voice is paralyzed. I want to speak but I just can’t…. 

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