Apparently, I Ruin Everything

0510821dddcc22421154f6c642bb1f197e2c87-wmI try to set boundaries with my immediate family first, the people I feel most comfortable around. They never can seem to respect the fact that sometimes I just want quiet time. Is that so much to ask for?!? I don’t know how I can get them to hear and comprehend what I have to say. I’m tired of everyone having an agenda for me. Sometimes I just want to do what I want to do. And that’s my right. My husband doesn’t see it that way. 

My husband can take a nap whenever he wants with no one saying anything. He also gets left alone whenever he says for us to leave him alone. Yet, whenever I want to take a nap its “Come on, let’s go bother momma and not let her take a nap.” This is my time off and I should get to do what I want. After I get up and order movie tickets because that’s what I’m told to do before I can take a nap, I notice that my husband is trying to nap and so I go to playfully harass him like he just got done doing to me. I accidentally scraped his nose with my fingernail and then it was all over. I ruined the day for everyone. He was not going to go to the movie because of that. Then of course, my husband won’t let it go and continues to try and make me feel bad telling me that I ruined Christmas. And then my daughter starts in too, imitating her dad. It’s bad enough when my husband makes me feel bad but when my daughter tries to make me feel bad that’s something completely different. That really makes me feel like a failure because the one thing  person I’ve been responsible for raising is being rude to me. I feel like the only reason she says some stuff is because her dad tells her to. I want to believe that she was not really hurt by not getting to go watch a movie.

I’m so tired of some people trying to make me think that I ruin everything. I always feel like it’s never ok for me to do anything because I’m just gonna screw it up. No wonder I have no confidence in myself because the person that means most to me tells me that I’m a huge screw up and all because of a scratched nose. And there is no justifying that it was an accident. Or that he has hurt me multiple times emotionally, but that doesn’t matter because it’s not a visible wound apparently. But it hurts just as much as a scratch, if not more.  

I feel like he knows that I am easy to emotionally hurt and therefore he uses that to his advantage. I hurt him on accident but he’s going to intentionally hurt me to ‘get me back’. I feel like that is childish and that is also rude to degrade me in front of our daughter like that. I feel like she is going to grow up thinking that it is ok for people to disrespect her and I don’t want that. I’m trying to protect her.

I keep telling myself “I have no control over how other people act. That’s their problem.” It’s hard for me to not internalize hurtful words. I wish that I could blow it off easily but it hurts so bad, how can you? 

 

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