Since I was a victim; will I always have a distorted viewpoint?!

0199-survivor

I went to counseling on Monday and I feel like my counselor always knows just the right thing to say at just the right time… I was talking to her about my parents’ and what I should think about them knowing my oldest brother had touched me inappropriately and not really doing anything about it because apparently they knew I was being abused as it was happening and I didn’t even know that I had told anyone so long ago….

My mom said that she beat my oldest brother and told him to never let it happen again when I told her what was going on. My counselor said that this was actually very common for the parents’ to think that they ‘handled the situation’, not that it makes it right. I just don’t think that anything further took place to try and keep my oldest brother from being alone with me, and that is disappointing… But it is what it is. 

So later in our conversation I was also talking about I felt neglected because my middle brother had went to the doctor when he broke his growth plate in his arm and my oldest brother went to the doctor to get stitches when he was in high school playing basketball. My mom had neck surgery and my dad got stitches for some stuff when he had a bad wreck but what about me??? I pulled up the leg of my pants to show my counselor the huge scar that I have from 20 years ago that I got no medical attention for…. Now how does that seem fair?!? Everyone in the family gets medical attention except for me? She had an excellent analogy. She started off by saying I had nice legs!!  But, that is not what I think when I see the scar that remains on my leg. She said that the scar on my leg is a gaping wound just like I have a gaping wound on the inside because of my brothers’ sexually abusing me.

When I look at the scar on my leg I always remember my brothers’ making fun of me because of my scar saying that no guy would ever want to be with me because of that scar and that it looked like a worm on my leg. So not only were my brothers’ sexually abusing me but they were also emotionally abusing me as well… But how odd is it that that the people who said that no one would want me had me do such horrible things for them. It is simply twisted. Like they wanted me all for themselves. As an 11 year old child what are you to think when you are told things like that? I guess at this point I thought that I had to ‘perform’ for people so that they would accept me. It’s just hard for me to understand how my own brothers’ could emotionally, mentally, and spiritually harm their one and only little sister. But, there is a saying that I think about when I get down about my family and what all they put me through: “you can choose your friends but you don’t get to choose your family.”

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