I Don’t Know Why I Cry….

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I heard a song recently that really touches me because it relates to my life story currently. It is called Used to Love You by Gwen Stefani. The song and video can be heard/viewed here:  Used To Love You-Video and Song 

The words in quotations are lyrics from the song. Then I will explain how this songs relates to me and my story.

“I thought that I was the best thing that ever happened to you”  I honestly thought for so long that I was the best thing that ever happened to my parents’. I remember my mom telling me that she wanted to have a little girl so bad and then I finally came along after she had my two older brothers’. I felt loved until the moment I spoke up about the sexual abuse that was happening to me by my own brothers’ and nothing was done to protect me. No one likes talking about sexual abuse so I was basically took it to keep quiet about what happened to me. 

“I thought you loved me the most” For some stupid reason I actually thought that because I was a girl my parents’ did love me the most, more than my brothers’ that is. I can tell this is not the truth now, by their actions and their behavior. I am okay with that though. At this point how could they not love me the most?! I am their only child that hasn’t abused anyone! But apparently, their proud to say that their boys’ kept the cycle going… 

“I don’t know why I cry but I think it’s cause I remember for the first time since I hated you that I used to love you” I have recently started despising my parents’; everything from the way they talk to me or pretend that I don’t exist at all to trying to pretend like I was never abused at all, much less by their sons. I don’t understand how I could love someone for so long who did not protect me; I did what I could to protect myself and my parents’ didn’t act like parents’ under the circumstances. 

“You thought there were no boundaries, but you pushed me too far” Looking back, I don’t think that any of my family members know what boundaries are. I have learned a lot about boundaries in my 3 months of reading since finally telling someone outside of the family what my brothers’ forced me to do. No one wants to talk about anything. No one wants to say something because it might hurt someones feelings. Well, what do you think I have dealt with for so long? I can tell you it hasn’t been pleasant to keep such a dark secret, especially as a young girl. 

“Look at what you’ve lost….” I feel like my parents’ have lost me. I don’t even think they cared to have a relationship with me because I try to bring things to the light and they just don’t want to talk about the things that happened to me as a child by their own sons. I feel like they thought that they could control and keep me quiet forever but this is my life and I am not going to have other people trying to run my life or tell me what I can and cannot do. 

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