I love how I can simply talk about my past in counseling and my counselor can analyze and make sense of what I am saying. It makes it easier for me to understand my true feelings.
We talked about incidences of how my family betrayed me throughout my childhood and how those instances affected me, which I have talked about some in previous blogs. It really makes me sad that my family could do such horrible things. Not just one of my family members, but each and every one of my immediate family members betrayed me in some way.
I talked about how when I was in grade school I felt like such an outcast, like I simply didn’t fit in. Not to say that I didn’t try because I always try/tried my best at everything I did and do. But, because I didn’t fit in, I kept to myself a lot of the time. I guess I just wanted attention.
This was the point in my counseling session that I got angry at my younger self. Mad that I didn’t do more to protect myself. Really frustrated as to why I wanted or needed more attention than what I was getting. I realized because of not getting any positive attention in school matters, from classmates or family, I would have done anything to get attention and to just be accepted…..
Maybe this was when my brothers decided to swoop in and take advantage of me. Maybe they noticed that I needed some attention… So they gave me some negative attention…. By sexually abusing me. Although I know I told my brothers no, that I didn’t want to do the things that they wanted me to do, I did anyways and maybe it was because I was getting attention, even though it was bad attention.
I cannot help but think that I could’ve done something more as a child to protect myself. I realize that that should’ve been my parents responsibility but they weren’t there for me. The entire situation is just a twisted mess….