I Can’t Seem to Understand Why….

feeling-unsure

Today was going good; a typical workday but good nonetheless. Nothing out of the ordinary until….. I was heading to the IV room and got stopped by someone at the window with a bouquet of flowers. Not thinking anything of it, I help the lady at the window. She said who the flowers were for and I said that they were mine apparently….

Who would be sending me flowers? ‘There’s no special occasion today’, I thought to myself. I opened the card to anxiously find out who they are from. They were from none other than my “mom and daddy”. The note attached said, ” You’ll always be our little girl. Love you.”

I burst into tears. I think because I want to believe so bad that my parents do love me yet after all that has happened in my life and especially in the past 5 years I can’t bring myself to actually believe that they do. My mind keeps going back to their words, “We’ll do anything to help you” and when I do ask for help they completely backtracked on their words…

I am so thankful to have such caring co-workers that help me to be strong and for being there to lend a shoulder for me to cry on and to listen to my stories about my crazy, sick, and twisted family. I am also thankful for having such a wonderful and supportive husband in such difficult times. He always tries to bring out the best in me. I just wish that I could help him in all the ways that he has helped me. He is my hero, so smart and knowledgeable.

I never thought that I would have such a difficult situation to be in. Let the internal battle begin… I simply don’t know what to think about this gesture…. Why flowers? I would’ve rather of just been sent the money it cost for the flowers; it probably could’ve paid for 2 counseling visits. Flowers…. flowers die.

It only took how long (2 1/2 weeks) after I changed my phone number for them to take some kind of action. And all they do is send flowers. And, I’m sure my dad knew nothing about this. I simply do not understand. As I write this I am still having to fight back tears… But, I’m not sure if they’re tears of sadness or anger. I feel angry that they couldn’t just do what they said they were going to do. Or, do what I asked them to do, which was to call and check on me every once in awhile…. 

Needless to say I didn’t want to continue to have to think about what just happened and I knew that if I kept the flowers I would continue looking at them and continue thinking about the situation that just happened. I didn’t trash them but I gave them to my boss as an apology for me presenting problems in a rude way yesterday…

Why did they have to do this? I was doing fine and now my internal battle is duking it out again…. Please pray for me that this will get easier… I pray that my family can gain understanding and empathy. I just want to be able to live my life to the fullest and this entire situation is standing in my way….  

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