It has been far too long since my last blog. I find blogging comforting. Even if no one in the world reads this I still feel as if I am getting stuff off my chest. I have still been going to counseling on a weekly basis if it doesn’t get cancelled.
Today, something quite interesting happened. I had to go to my hometown for my husbands grandmothers funeral. Since we were going there I thought that we would drop by my moms workplace to let her see my daughter. I felt like the visit would be on my terms and not anyone else’s which made it ok. I thought that my mom would be excited and find it a nice surprise to see me and my daughter. Much to my surprise, my mom acted like we were just another set of people needing to be checked in and asked how she could help us. Even after my daughter told her, “Hi Mimi!” This hurt…. and it hurt bad. It has only been 3 months since we last saw my parents. I don’t think that I could ever forget what my child looks like. I think that is why when she seemed to not realize who we were, I simply wanted to just walk out, scream, and cry all at once.
My mom used to be my best friend and I thought I could tell her anything and trust her. I wish that I could. While we were at her work things between us were just awkward. Ever since finally telling someone outside the family about how I was sexually abused by my brothers my relationship with my mom or any of my family of origin has been the same. I don’t expect it ever will be, which I understand that but I don’t want it to be awkward between us forever either. It’s like I just don’t know what to say.
It is interesting that I recently started a bible study at church called The Armor of God. We just finished with the first week. What I took from the first week is that without prayer things just aren’t going to work. Prayer is what activates the Armor of God. I also learned that we are not battling with anything physical; not our spouse, our kids, or our boss. Our enemy is invisible but ever-present. I forget this from time to time and seem to just place the blame on physical things, whatever that may be. I feel like I am very vulnerable to the enemy currently with everything that is going on in my life right now. But, I am ready to suit up in the armor of God and take a stand against the enemy! This bible study couldn’t have come at a better time.