I have never in my entire life had such an intense mixture of feelings. I feel so alone and worthless so I feel like crying and at the same time I just want to run away. Sometimes I think that no one would ever even notice if I was gone….
I went to counseling today; I’m glad she always has a way of making me feel like I am important and that I do matter, even though it is only for an hour, but then I go home and those positive feelings quickly dissipate. I’ll never be good enough. I had such high expectations for myself and yet I can’t even seem to fulfill them. I feel so stupid for ever thinking that I could be someone successful. I wanted to be able to provide for my family yet I can’t even furnish for myself. How do people manage to be proud and love themselves or just be happy in life in general? I feel like I am always being judged by people. Nothing I do is ever good enough. I am always expected to do more. And what I do take care of is somehow not done good enough.
I wish that my parents would have never even had me. They didn’t take care of me as a child and now I resent them for that. I want no contact with my family, which in turn makes me feel even lonelier because I have no one that I feel like I can talk to that truly cares about me. Therefore, I’ll just put it on my blog, it makes me feel like I am talking to someone. I just don’t understand what God’s plan is….. I wish I did because I feel like a nomad just wondering around lost.
Why does life have to be so hard? Some people make it seem so easy; what’s their trick? I wish I knew what my purpose was. It’s like what I want, is not my purpose.. But if what I want isn’t what I’m supposed to be doing then what am I supposed to be doing? I don’t want to spend the rest of my life doing what I am doing…. But what I want to do I have been trying to do for years and doesn’t seem to get any easier for me. I feel like I am not good at anything, no special talent at all. And then some people are blessed with many talents. Makes me despise my parents even more; that they couldn’t have taught me anything except how to be submissive and allow people to run over me.
Every day that goes by I wish that I had a mom that I could bond with, that could be there for me in all the ways that I need and yet I just have to be alone and have no one…. Why? I wish I knew…