This time of the year is supposed to be about families getting together and celebrating the birth of Jesus, our Savior; being happy. Me, on the other hand, I dread this time of the year. There is too much happening; since the beginning of November, it’s like a two month period of severe loneliness even if I’m surrounded by what seems to be a million people. It’s so hard to explain to someone who hasn’t lived through an abusive situation. I try to fill my time with doing things so that I don’t have time to think about what’s really going on, things that I need to think about and deal with, things like my family of origin.
I thought I was doing better. Getting over this as some people might say; it’s like I’ll never fully get to be the real me. The me that I want to be. It’s like I’m too late. I should’ve started earlier but didn’t get the chance because of my family. Why does life have to be so hard? I try to leave it in God’s hands, I do; but I still wonder. My curiosity has always been there for me, questioning everything.
I don’t understand how some people can be so happy. Maybe I need a higher dose of anti-depressant. But that’s not what I want… I want to beat this. I want to not have to take a pill for my happiness. I just have these random moments. Moments of extreme emotional sadness I can’t control; the tears just roll… Knots in my stomach, my head hurts, complete and utter lack of words, I just want to be left alone; alone with my thoughts, not being judged, questioned, or criticized.
I simply don’t know what to do. Am I doing what’s right? I don’t know… How am I to know? I feel like I am going to make a wrong decision and regret it later. I wish I had an undamaged brain. I look at my husband and he’s so good at looking at the what ifs; things that I never think about. Why am I not capable of doing something so simple? It’s like I have no reasoning skills whatsoever. I just can’t and don’t want to blame everything that I feel is wrong with me on the abuse I went through as a child. Sometimes I feel like I need a team of people to manage myself; people that I like certain traits, traits that I wish I could have.
Can you change who you are? I say I like helping people, but am I like that because I’ve needed help my whole life and never got it? I don’t know… But I do know that I don’t really like dealing with people, some people don’t hygienically take care of themselves, some people are just mean, and some people hide who they really are. I am an introvert, I like silence, and I enjoy sleeping. But why? Why do I like these things? I shouldn’t like sleeping… But I feel like I do more sleeping when I am dealing with some type of problem. Why can’t I just stand up to the problem and stop wasting my life?
My own dad couldn’t call me on my birthday… Why did I even waste my time to call him on his birthday two days earlier than my own? Second year in a row that’s happened. Why don’t I learn from my mistakes? Yet, my mom won’t stop calling… I feel like she tries but I just don’t want to deal with it right now. I feel like they have problems of their own they need to deal with as a family before I do anything, yet I feel like that will never happen.
And, my husband says I’m just trying to ruin Christmas… I’m not trying… I guess I just have a way of ruining things in my life, it comes naturally I guess. And, it’s not just one thing… It really does seem like everything. I feel like I’m ruining my own daughters life sometimes. I can’t make more money, I yell, I’m not supermom, I can’t keep the housework done all the time, I don’t hang up my husband’s shirts all the time, I spend too much money… I simply can’t… I’m just horrible… I’m not perfect so I wish my own husband would stop expecting me to be.. I feel like I can’t do enough things right to get any recognition, all that is ever talked about is when I do something wrong, and not just once but it keeps getting brought up, time after time; keeps being used as example.
I’m human, I’m allowed to make mistakes but when you feel like every move you make is a mistake what is there to be happy about? I miss going to counseling because that was one thing she always did was affirm and make me feel like it was okay to be me. I know that was her job but it’s nice when someone you trust can say something nice about you from time to time and make you feel like you’re at least a half way decent person they care about… My life is hard enough as it is…