A Slap in the Face

 ca24fce249c33221bf081de823d87dc8I didn’t want to celebrate Christmas in 2016 with my parents. To me, they just don’t seem like family and it just hurts to have anything to do with them. Family is supposed to protect one another, not take advantage or abuse a member. The nerve of my mother… My daughter finally got her Christmas and birthday presents today along with some other surprises that I’ll tell about later…

I’m starting to think it is best that I don’t have anything to do with them. And, like my counselor said, “It doesn’t have to be forever, but you get to make that decision.” I completely agree with that, maybe it will and maybe it won’t be forever but right now it simply hurts too much to have anything to do with them. I would love to have a relationship with them and I have tried but it just isn’t working out right now. 

I’m not sorry that I am trying to live my life to the fullest and enjoy every moment and it is not my fault that my mom is not part of that picture. I’m not sorry that I am not going to change my plans for her. I’m not sorry that she assumed I was going to drop everything for her. I haven’t spoken to her since my birthday at the beginning of November and all of a sudden because I HAD to call her because of a funeral arrangement she assumes everything is a-ok and everything is just grand… I don’t think so.. I have so much resentment towards her; she was the adult I told about my brothers’ abusing me and she did nothing to protect me from my brothers’, nothing to get me help after the fact, and nothing to prevent further abuse. I feel like my brothers’ got a slap on the wrist and told ‘you shouldn’t do that’ like athletes do if they get in trouble with the law and that’s it. I love her of course, she’s my mom but there is so much pain involved for me.

Maybe she should’ve thought about the way she handled things when I was a child. Maybe if she did that then maybe she would’t be in the situation she’s in today (not getting to see  and spend time with her grandchild). I’m not sorry that I am trying to protect my child. If you can let your own daughter be molested by my brothers and do nothing about it even when I do tell you what’s happening; why would you ever think that it would be ok to have my child around you? This is the good part: my mom has the nerve to write on my child’s  Christmas/birthday/Valentine’s card (who can’t read, mind you) that it is my fault that my daughter doesn’t get to see mimi and papa. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?! I did not ask to be abused by my brothers’ and I surely did not tell an adult and expect nothing to happen. The nerve…. I was absolutely offended when I saw that. 

It’s like she was trying to make me feel bad. Did my mom really think that I was going to give that card to my daughter and tell her exactly what it said? It is my choice that my daughter doesn’t get to see her mimi and papa but I have a very good reason for it and it is dang sure NOT my fault. Why is that  so hard to see for her? Maybe I’m not making it clear enough… I really don’t know… But I really do not appreciate snide remarks in cards meant for my daughter. The way I was treated as a child is not just something that you forget about, especially after finding out that I told my mom what was happening in the present moment that it was still happening.

I just don’t think that it is fair to me to still be getting treated as if the reason for all this mess is my fault. If they cannot see first of all that none of this is my fault and secondly that this is my life and because of what happened to me as a child and the way they continue to live I have every right to keep them away. I am the sane one with the clear thought process and they are the ones with crazy thought processes living in a cult.

My parents’ continue having their “normal” dealings with my brothers and I think that until they quit doing that, they don’t need anything to do with me and my little family because to me that shows that they still don’t think that my brothers’ did anything wrong, but that’s just my opinion. My parents’ have told me that “(they (my brothers’) are our kids too”. I feel like if they want to be associated with them then fine but, in my personal opinion I don’t see how you could continue to have anything to do with someone you know sexually abused your only daughter. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself knowing that I did nothing about my daughter being abused. 

This is personally my own opinion but I feel like my parents’ should be willing to do anything for me anytime I ask after being put through everything I have as a child. My mom informed me recently that she is having to drive my brother to and from work because of an eye condition that he has and that they are having to pay for his medical bills for this condition blah blah blah and who knows how much money it is costing because he is having to go to a bigger city to get treatment and all my parents’ could scrounge up for me for counseling was $400.00. Every time I think about it I just get so mad. Maybe his eye condition is his punishment for abusing his little sister. 

I always get so emotional about this whole situation because I never know what the right thing to do is. I always try to think about how this whole situation is going to play out but I need to quit with that because I don’t know how God is going to work all of this out. But I do know He has a plan. I just need to keep praying and trust that He has the answers and that things will work out according to His plan, and really  that is all that really matters.  

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