Here Lately

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There is so much stress in life… I feel that it is absolutely miserable, almost unbearable at times.

There were 2 famous people who committed suicide last week alone. If people with unlimited money/resources aren’t able to beat mental health diseases then how are people in poverty and lower class supposed to stand a chance? I think this is really sad. But, as I sit and type this I can’t say that those thoughts have never crossed my own mind, because they have. I wonder if these thoughts cross everyone’s mind at some point and they are too afraid to say?

Anytime those thoughts happen, I just sit and tell myself that suicide is simply not an option.  I think about my daughter and how something like that would affect her. It’s like you have to find what makes you happiest to wash away those negative thoughts. I actually knew someone who committed suicide and she had young children when she did. It always makes you wonder what is so terrible in someone’s life that would cause someone to do that to themselves. Are some people that good at masking their troubles? If someone reached out to these people, could it help? I know it’s hard, it’s like you have no control of when it is going to come into your mind. It’s almost like something triggers it, like flashbacks of abuse.

This is the worst I have felt lately. I never in my life thought that I would say I just wish I had a job, but that has been all I’ve been hoping for recently. Not having a job means that I have entirely too much time to think, while thinking is important this is not necessarily the case when thinking about the wrong things.

These are things I constantly end up thinking about throughout my day:

  • What a terrible mom I am
    • Because I’m spending all my time with my daughter here lately, it’s this flood of responsibility that I haven’t had since she was 6 months old. How sad is that to say? This is the most time I have spent with my daughter basically her entire life… And, I feel like she thinks I suck, either because I haven’t provided her with a sibling to play with or because I won’t play with her because I simply don’t feel like doing anything sometimes but lay in bed. It’s almost like I’m paralyzed, not so much with physical movements but mentally like nothing can motivate you enough.
  • That I’m going to ruin my daughters life
    • I don’t know how to say things the right way, I know I don’t. This is why I think I simply don’t want to ever say anything, not only to my daughter but anyone for that matter. I feel like whatever I say is going to come out wrong or someone will take it differently than what I intended. With everything happening right now in life, it seems that everything just rubs me the wrong way. Like the picture says, I just feel like the world is against me.
  • Why do I hold on so long to things?
    • It’s like I continually build a case against everyone knowing that no one is perfect or intentionally means to be rude or hateful, at least I would hope not. But then again, it is possible.
  • Why can’t I just be normal?
    • It’s like I want to blame my past for everything that goes wrong, which is practically everything it seems like. I wish I could just not make such stupid mistakes. I feel like I have tried making positive changes in my life to revert what happened in my past but it seems like no matter what I do, my past is right beside me in everything.
  • The only things that stick with me are the negative things people have to say
    • It’s funny, not really funny but, some of these are things my husband has told me, just not in so many words… Maybe that’s just how I “took it”, but if you say something then isn’t that typically how you feel? You can’t always be “just joking”.

I think that when you think a lot of someone, what they say has more meaning than just an acquaintance and what they have to say. Therefore, they can build you up or break you down real quick.

I feel better when I go to church. Maybe this is why I feel so bad because I haven’t been to church in quite awhile. It’s like you find a church you really like and then don’t want to go to another one either because you feel it won’t compare or are just scared.

FYI: I just finished reading a book and it had a chart about types of abuse. I never thought of things like humiliation, isolation, and economic abuse as forms of abuse.

in limbo=crap feeling

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