This past week was Thanksgiving break for us. It was an extremely busy time for us because we signed papers on our new home and were moving in but it was so nice to just get to be with my little family. I live for school breaks because it means I get to actually spend quality time with my husband and daughter. I am so thankful for these little things in life.
I’m not sure why but I think deep down it bothers me that my family of origin doesn’t even try reaching out to me anymore (my mom at least). It’s just like I fell off the face of the earth and don’t exist to them anymore. I thought over time it would be easier but somehow it isn’t. I mean I guess it’s just human nature to want to be loved. I think it’s just hard to think about no one caring about me. Why do I care? I’m not sure… I have my husband and daughter that love me. I guess it’s just the fact of knowing that there is someone out there that is supposed to love you and just doesn’t. It’s just kind of painful.
I feel like the entire time I was home I really enjoyed just being with my husband and daughter. I did feel like my husband and I were mad at each other the entire time (from moving), it’s just a stressful process. Not so much mad just irritated or something. And somehow because of this, it’s my natural response to assume that I’ve done something wrong, even though I know I haven’t. I guess that’s also in my nature is just always assume I’ve done something wrong.
Why do I always blame myself for everything? It doesn’t matter what it is, first step blame myself. I guess sometimes it’s just easier for me to take the blame than try to figure out the problem. Or maybe I’ve been blamed for so many things in life it’s second nature now and I just assume it falls on me.
Sometimes I wish I were a mind reader. I think life would be much simpler knowing peoples true thoughts. Some people are sly. They can’t just tell you what they really think but instead just lie to your face. I’m not sure which is worse… Lying to your face or talking about you behind your back.
As I get older I realize that I don’t talk as much but instead like to listen to others. First of all I don’t like talking because I feel like I don’t know much about anything and therefore I should keep my mouth shut but secondly because I don’t like the fact that people try and use anything you say against you. I also don’t like talking because I don’t want to be wrong about things and potentially have those things held against me. I feel like this goes along with me not having self confidence. I also think this relates to why I am socially awkward. I’m definitely not a conversation starter. I’ll answer questions if asked but I’ll just sit quietly in a corner and mind my own business otherwise.
The other day in class we were talking about open and closed ended questions and the teacher asked cons about open ended questions and I immediately blurted out, “If you don’t know the answer to a question you have nothing to help you answer that question. Whereas with a closed ended question you would be given a list of choices to choose from. I feel like all conversations are open-ended (and I don’t like that). I know I’m not completely dumb but at the same time I struggle with telling someone the things that I do know and this makes me feel like I am stupid. I feel like if I truly knew the information I would be able to explain something to someone on any level and they would be able to understand what I was telling them.
I just feel like I have so many struggles in life and I’m not sure that they’re struggles or if I’m just in touch with my thoughts. Either way, it’s a little concerning because I don’t know what to do to make it better. I can identify what’s going on but when it comes to fixing problems I feel like I need help. Always something….