Why Am I Never Good Enough for Myself?

 

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Sometimes it just feels good to cry. My head always feels 10 pounds lighter after I do cry; it’s almost like a release of toxins.

I thought I had a shot at being the best in one class just one time during the full 3 years of pharmacy school in the classroom. Turns out, I’ll never be the best at anything. In fact, I’ll most likely be found in the bottom half of the bell curve the entire time. And the thing is, is that its not even being the best at something that matters, it’s simply proving to myself that I can do good at something, anything. I literally feel like I’m not good at anything, just mediocre at everything, if that. If I were better at things maybe I wouldn’t be so depressed. Maybe then I would have self confidence that I can be good at things. Sometimes you need anything good to happen just to prove that good things can happen. 

The quote above truly sums up how I felt today after my test. Just once, I wish I could do as well as what I think I’m capable of. I prepare for weeks on end for my tests and I always fall short of where I think I should be for the effort that I put in. It makes me second guess myself, as if I don’t enough already. I honestly don’t know that I should be here. I don’t feel like I’m retaining the amount of information or being able to apply the information that is required to be a pharmacist.

One of my former teachers did have some good feedback, which is reassuring, but even if people do tell you it’s going to be ok I still have doubt in my mind. I am at a point where I just can’t believe what anyone says. It’s a struggle to follow what any of my teachers say, why should I trust what they are telling me? And of course I don’t have time to go and look up everything and fact check things for myself. Or figure it out for that matter.

It’s just exhausting trying to learn everything the teachers throw at you and trying to filter through what you actually need to know for their test vs just random information to throw you off. Ask stupid facts about things I can tell you but is that going to help me on tests? Absolutely not because teachers don’t care about that apparently… 

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